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November 5, 2012

Removing The Blinders

So many things are coming to light, for me, now that this deployment has been put behind us.

Before, I thought that the deployment was just something that I had to muscle through, not something that would change me.
And yes, I'm talking about me, not Jake.
(Although Jake has changed as well and we have changed, as a couple.)

I probably didn't deal with the deployment the way that I should have.
I didn't take care of myself or my mental health the way that I should have.
I thought that my denial before the deployment was that it was going to happen, but once it was actually happening, I shut down and was in denial that it was even going on.

The thing is, this block of denial was never ending and it tainted a lot of my life, even months beforehand.
I'm sure that I was very difficult to deal with throughout the whole process... If not difficult, than distant. 
It was unintentional.
I wasn't truly aware of myself in that time before Jake left or while he was gone.
I probably should have gone to a therapist then. I was overly opinionated and angry at the world, without realizing that my outlook was so acidic, if you can imagine that being possible. I didn't have much to distract me. I coped well when I was with others, but when I was alone, I slipped quickly into negative place and it took a lot to get me out. I obsessed and over thought situations as a distraction from the place I was. I even avoided thinking about or processing anything that was going on with Jake while he was gone.
Nothing that happened to him effected me until he was home. I, unknowingly, chose not to process anything until he was home.

I was like a horse with those side-blinders on. Plodding my way through the mud.

When Jake got home things were a little worse for a while.
He came home changed, in subtle ways, and I had to catch the changes in order to adapt. Then to pair his changes with my own and work through how we functioned as a couple... 
It was hard and such an eye-opener.
Something other than a baby, which I expected to be our next 'big thing', changed us as individuals and as a couple. That fact alone caught me off guard. I didn't quite know how to cope with any of it.

I can honestly say that that our Flordia vacation was what snapped me out of it. 

Slowly, I'm recuperating. 
Instead of forcing myself out of the house I'm finding myself planning things and going out because I want to. 
I'm truly starting to enjoying life again.

Things are still not quite the same. We are now dealing with Jake working 3rd shift and leaving at 8pm for work. I'm having trouble, on those nights, doing something without him before he goes to work. Then once he is gone I veg out and watch tv, clean or do laundry. 
The other issue is sleeping alone. I'm not sleeping well on the nights Jake works.
I'm hoping that either I will adjust and get use to it soon, or Jake will get switched to 2nd shift.

It's weird to look at myself and how I was and see the fog clearing.

I am changed. I'm different.
I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago, let alone 3 months ago.
I can't quite put my finger on how... But I know it's the truth.
I'm figuring myself out.
I'm a work in progress.


Kate @ Daffodils said...

It is such a tough transition, but a big step is recognizing the changes. Hang in there~!

Darby Hawley said...

Well girl you had a lot going on and I think if you didn't respond negatively in some way that would have been weird. I'm glad that J is back and you all are working through things together. This is only going to make you both stronger and I'm so happy for yall :-)