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June 27, 2012

Excuse Me Deployment, I'm Not Single...

I'm trying to keep up with the posts about life with a deployed husband...
You seen to actually like reading about my life.
Oy vey, Erin.

This has been a weird post to write. 
I know the gist of what I wasn't to say, but I have now re-written this thing about 4 times.
It's hard talking about serious stuff regarding the deployment without things sounding down.
Nature of the beast, I guess.
I'll just dive in and explain afterward... 

With Jake gone, I'm kinda like a bitter single woman.

I find myself aiming hilarious quips and jealous rants at contrived romantic scenes on tv.
So unrealistic!
I may, or may not, throw stuffed dog toys during said rants.
Asher loves it.
What man truly tells you that he 'memorized every fleck of gold in your eyes'?!....
If you just raised your hand, shame on you.
Please, hold still while I throw this squeaky hippo at your head.

It's just an example of the private, futile, dramatic overtures I enjoy partaking in.
It makes me feel a little better.

I also imagine the inevitable death of the mushy romance after the end of the movie.
The heroine starts peeing with the door open.
The hero starts farting on the couch while refusing to un-glue his eyes from whatever sports game on.
The flowers and jewelry gifts go out the door.
I start to imagine their lives with the addition of babies and the absence of showering.
The absence of sex in general....
I imagine it with such clarity...
It's glorious.

I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

I've found that with this deployment I also tend to avoid situations where I'm actually faced with my current 'party of 1' status.
I'm not into the bar/party/group of friends getting sloshed for no reason scene.
It's just not my thing.
I tend to eat at home, by myself 98% of the time.
Recently, it's because I'm always on the run due to rehearsals...
More on that some other time...

I've also been kinda skirting around family.
I didn't notice this until a few days ago.
I've probably unconsciousally done it from day 1.
I'm not avoiding people...
Not on purpose.
Just not actively seeking them out.
This is really what this post is about.

I love my family.
Everyone in my family.
There isn't one person that I wouldn't do anything for.
Even the ones that I don't particularly like, I love.
They're family.

I have been avoiding putting myself in situations where I find myself leaning toward jealousy and true bitterness.
It's not quite as obvious to me when I'm in the moment.
I can't speak for family members.

It's like a tightening in my chest.
I can't breathe as freely.
I'm more on edge.
I joke about my situation.
Deflect any possible attention.
Avoid eye contact.
Claim babies as my dates in order to make my third wheel status less awkward.
When I leave, I find myself relaxing and breathing easier.

While I have come to realize my tendency to avoid the couples in my life, I haven't been able to find it in me to feel completely bad about it.
I feel bad because I know that we all miss just hanging out.
I'm close with my family, on both sides.
I want to see them...
But, at the same time I just can't find it in me to feel badly enough to willingly just go hang out, willy-nilly.

Planned, sure. 
I can do planned.
I can prep myself for it.

The good news.
In less than 85 days It will no longer be an issue.
In less than 85 days I'll a part of a couple again.

Party of 2, please!

1 comment:

Phil and Darby Hawley said...

ugh girl I can't even begin to understand how you feel, because I've never been in your shoes. However, I'm almost certain I would sympathize with you and I would act the same way! So hang in there girl; you're in the double digits until he comes home!!!