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January 7, 2012

Quarter of a Century

In a few days I'll be 25.

A friend of mine warned me on facebook that sometimes greeting the ripe old age of 25 brings on a panic that can only be attributed to a Quarter-of-a-Century Life Crisis.
This friend was none other than the wonderful Mrs. G.
When she shared about her QC Crisis a few months ago, I giggled and owned it up to her dramatic flair and love of drama (the good theatrical kind, not the emotional kind) until I reached that exact same point.

Yep. I'm right there. Looking at my life and expecting something to stand out.
Expecting something to signify that I'm an adult, hear me roar.

It's so common for my generation to expect our lives to start out fully formed, fully equipped and fully submerged in the 'real world'.
At 25, we should have it all together.
Matching throw pillows and all.

I'm hesitant to admit that my 'together' is a little shaky.
I'm trying to find my way there, honest... But I'm definitely not there yet.

Thing I can say that are (sometimes begrudgingly) awesome and gratifying steps I've taken:
Falling in love and marrying my best friend.
Serving as a military wife.
Having one job for over 6 years.
Getting a puppy and raising it to be well adjusted and not crazy.

However...
I am in no way, shape or form where I thought I'd be. And annoyingly enough I have this stupid habit to want and wish for more. It's not something I'm proud of... But it is something I have talked about with family. I'm not alone, I know that... But it's something that I have to continually tell myself to stop doing.
To just live in the moment.
To be thankful for the things that I do have.

The main urging I have is in my career. 
The main thing I want is to live my life without the restraints of a clock.

Jane Austen puts it best:
Do not attack me with your watch. 
A watch is always too fast or too slow. 
I cannot be dictated by a watch.

I also want to work with art... I'm drawn to the artistic things in life. 
Music, photography, theatre, dance.

Finding my way into this aspect of the world is a little hard for me to do. I find it hard to break away from the security my 9-5 job gives me. But my soul yearn to be a part of something that will change a person's life and ignite a passion for similar things. 

I'm scared, to put it bluntly.
Scared to branch out. 
Scared of failure.
Scared that I'm not good enough.

Plus, I'm without a mentor or guide. 
Not that I want to have the way paved for me... I just want someone to go with me. I don't want to search for my purpose alone. I want the camaraderie of a pal to partner with.  Someone who can look at me critically and be honest with me, and vice versa. 
Someone to dream silly things with. 

My husband is one of those people. A very important and vital person in my life.
But his medical leaning is very different from my artistic one.
He understands me the way no one else does... 
But he has his own dream to fulfill, and I want that for him... Just as he wants me to feel fulfilled and complete in my 'life's work'.

Anyone else find themselves drifting in their ambitions and ideas? 
What did you do that was helpful?
What got you on track?

Anything I try, at this point, will need a little elbow grease.
Any suggestion on how to jump start things?

1 comment:

Finding Purpose in the Pain said...

I was definitely at that same point at 25 & now knowing I'm turning 30 this year brings its own set of thoughts. The biggest thing I've learned in the last 5 yrs is to learn to love the life I have instead of always wishing for something more. Dreams are still a big part of my life but now I don't let my longing for this or that steal away the joy of the moment I'm in. I'm reading a book by Ann Voskamp called 1000 gifts. It's awesome! I think you would really like it. Happy Birthday Erin I pray this is the best year yet for you!
~Stacy