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December 30, 2011

Bittersweet

Well today is the day of mixed emotions. 
Twin is coming home.
The whole family is going to meet him.

I've been excited for everyone, but secretly dreading today since Thanksgiving.
I may know how I'll act...
But I sure as hell don't know what I'm going to be feeling the moment I see the mirror image of my husband hugging family.
I imagine I'll swallow the bitterness and fight with my emotions from this day until the end of this deployment.
I'm already fighting.

I'm not mad or upset about Twin coming home.
I'm actually really happy for him and for his family. 
Excited even. 
He's needed here in a different way than Jake is.
His little boy needs him.

It's not more or less...
Just different.
And I'm OK with that.

I just don't like that on the outside, it'll look like him. 
Hugging them, kissing her, holding them.
So similar, but so very different.

To be put in such a position is scary. 
It makes me wonder how God thinks I'm so strong.
Time will tell.

The only thing I can look forward to is that Jake will be here in a matter of days, helping ease the sting a little.
I just hate that he has to get back on a plane after all is said and done.

Be on the look out for a mental breakdown.
And I'm only half kidding.