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November 30, 2011

Why Didn't He Say So?

I guess the title of this post should be "Why Didn't I Listen When He Said So?"

Have you ever been felt like your husband wasn't on the same wavelength as you?
You tell him something and he skirts around the subject.
He avoids it.
He 'makes excuses'.

That was how I thought Jake was with the "Baby' topic.
I thought he was just trying to put me off the idea until we could really talk about it.
I saw 'after I get into med school' as the delaying tactic that it was. 
I accepted it in a way that most people do when they think they know better than another.
I nodded in agreement while drooling over onesies, daydreaming about light eyes and little hands...

It took SIL telling me about a conversation that took place before he left to really hear what my husband was saying. It took my emotions and my lack of hearing out of the equation.

He told her that he wanted time without a deadline, without the impending deployment, to be ourselves.
To just be US.
And a puppy.
And a cat (why do we always forget about him?)
And to travel.

She was telling me about all of this and my brain and ears didn't quite align until she said the word 'travel'.

And he was talking T.R.A.V.E.L. 
Over oceans.
Something that is, not impossible, but difficult with a baby.

The sad thing:
I don't even know or remember if he has ever said that very same thing to me...
I have a fear that he has and that I just thought over him. 
Wanting what I wanted.
Not stopping to listen to him.

And now my mind if full of flights and touristy things. 
Romantic sights. 
Historical places.

Jake's base had an incident last month that resulted in people dying.
A suicide bomber off base.
He is, and was, fine in a way that you say when you know someone's life has been altered by outside events.

He told me that he had daydreams about babies after that incident.
It made me cry.
I was sad to know that the carefree and immortal mentality of my husband was shriveling up.
It happens to every soldier who stares war in the face.

It's funny to get what you wanted at a price you weren't expecting to pay.
I tell him that he was right, that traveling while it's just us is an excellent idea.
He tells me that since he wants to travel with family, and that they all have babies, that there is no sense delaying something that we both want 'just because it seems inconvenient'...

I told him that we had to give he plan to God. 
Give our timeline to Him and see what excitement he can come up with.

1 comment:

Nikki said...

Wow Erin. This post is so heartfelt. I think you have the right idea to leave the plan to God. He will make sure you get what you need when you need it. O'm glad to hear that Jake is all right.