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June 14, 2011

Denial

I'm there. 
My mood is going down the crapper every day.
My sarcasm is on the rise.
And if I'm ever confronted, I get teary.

Jake's going out of his mind, I'm sure.

My denial is a multifaceted thing.

It involves the deployment:
I don't want Jake to leave. 
If I'm not praying for the deployment to get cancelled, I'm pretending like it's not even happening.
Nothing is in line for him to leave and we're less than 3 months away from his call to duty ceremony.
He's getting his final wisdom tooth pulled on Friday as well as seeing a  ENT about getting his sinus drained so they're not issues for him while he's gone. It's a step toward deployment and away from me and I hate it, even though it's essential and good for him.
I make to-do lists of things that need to be done before he leaves.... and never do them. I never even contemplate doing them. I just make lists over and over again...


It involves babies:
It's not that I want one right now, I've already been over that. 
I'm jealous, but not to the point where I want to avoid my little lovies. They're a blessing and I love them all so much... 
It's not that I'm being left out. I mean it is, a little... But not enough to alienate me....
It's not that I don't have anything to contribute to the conversations. With all the babies in my life, I can hold my own. 

I know, I know that this is a time in my life when God is trying to reach out to me.
I also know that I'm stubborn. I'm going to fight myself until I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally.
Unfortunately, I've got quite a bit of staying power and I am very easily riled up.

I guess this post is a little 'a-ha moment'...
A literal 'come to Jesus' kind of thing.
Looks like I know what is missing here...

Rom 12:2 : Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

1 comment:

Phil and Darby Hawley said...

Erin, sounds like you’re having a tough time right now. I’m so sorry to hear of this, but I’m so glad that you shared it, because a) you’re not alone in your feelings, and b) now I know how I can be in better prayer for you. I have very similar struggles with “the next step” and wanting to have a baby, but everything around me is either annoying or frustrating to me. A verse that I have had to recite (over and over again) for the past year or so is just a few back from the one you posted, Romans 12:12. Maybe this will help bring your peace in this period of limbo?

How long is your hubby going to be deployed?

Please feel free to vent to me since you can’t slap your family across the face...this might be why I had to move half-way across the country from my family 4 years ago hehe (I kid, kind of)