In a world of pregnant people, I stand alone. Of the 5 girls in my family I'm the only one without a child. 3 are in process and 1 has been lovingly terrorizing my life for 5 years. I truly love each of my sisters in different ways.
Do I feel left out? I'd be lying if I said no.
Is my life constantly filled with talk about babies and children? Yes.
Do I mind? No. I like talking about baby stuff.
Do I wish I could be in that club? Yes, and no.
My husband is uncomfortable about the situation. He feels like he has nothing in common with the world of babies. He is in no way shape or form ready for a little one to grace our lives. He has too many ambitions that he sees as needing to be done with out the pressure of a child. And in all honesty, I agree with him.
Now, I'm not uncomfortable with anything that's going on. I'm happy for those people in my life who are expecting their own children. I can relate because I plan on being a mother some day. I can talk to them because I have so many people pregnant in my life that are going through the same thing. I just relay stories from one person to another. I don't mind that I don't have my own stories to tell....
It's not my time. I know that. And I know that it's not going to happen until the perfect moment. It'll be God saying, 'Alright Erin, I'm throwing this at you'. And that's OK with me.
Some people in my life are highly sensitive to my un-pregnant state. Actually, they may be more attune to this than I am. I'm constantly being apologized to for others bringing baby clothes, toys or such as a gift to the pregos in my life. I'm sometimes singled out or given special attention due to my baby-less state. And no matter how many times I tell people that I'm going last to make sure I learn from their mistakes, they don't believe me. (I kid)
I'm completely behind my husbands desire to make sure that we are in a stable, secure environment before bringing a child into our lives. He is the head of our household and I thrive on his structure and adherence to the plan for our lives. He says Med school is something that he has to do in order to feel as if he has done the best for our family that he possibly can. He is adamant that he wants to be out of the Army before our first child is born to ensure that nothing would ever separate him from his growing family except death itself. He needs to feel secure in the promise of a future that would maybe be hard on us in the beginning, but ultimately help us to live with out the fear of our children wanting for anything.
I think that this stems from the lack of leadership and stability from his father. It's no secret that Jake feels that his dad has never been there for him. That the respect for his father is almost non-existent. And because of the upheaval over the years, he has made a promise to himself to never be like that. And I respect and admire that.
Jake needs us to wait. He needs us to wait to have children far more than I need to have a child. My internal clock is turned off completely by his aspirations and drive for our lives. And while that is a huge, huge turn on for me, it assures me that our time will come. And when it does, God will bless us with children. When it's the right time. When it's our time. When it's HIS time, Jake and I will be blessed with our hearts desire and more.
And that's all right with me. I have a puppy on the way and I have a feeling that's about all that I'll be able to handle for a while.