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January 23, 2011

Let Me Explain

So I've talked a lot about my strong feelings toward specific members of my family many times. I just wanted to let you know why I may say the things that I do.

So dating/marrying a twin is a little bit more emotional/involved than you would think. It's even harder when they are the kind of twins that actually count themselves as friends as well as siblings. There is always a lot of comparing going on throughout the whole family.

"so-and-so did this, I wonder if the other will do it too.'
"so-and-so's grades were like this, lets see what the other ones are.'
'Well if one does it then the other will too.'
'This one has always been like this, while the other one always tends to do this.'
'This is typical of this twin. Sometimes the other follow suit.'

These are all common to hear throughout a conversation about them. And there is hardly ever conversation about just one twin. Usually they're both involved. And usually when twins are involved the spouses are brought up as well. I know it's normal to have conversations about a couple once they are considered a couple. But from the point of view from one of the spouses, it's sometimes stress full.

I've always cared about what other people think of me. It's hard not to. I don't see myself as the typical youngest, unless it involves self-consciousness, sometimes over sensitiveness, a smidgen of social awkwardness and tons of frustration with myself. Pair this with knowing that I'm talked about and compared whenever conversation about either twin is brought up. It amounts to a certain small amount of paranoia.

I'll have to admit that it's probably good for me, checking my actions and thinking twice before doing/saying something... But it also creates a problem when either household makes a life type of decision. The question of whether or not the other house is/would do the same is brought up.

It's crazy to imagine. To each their own, right? I dream of that being the case. Now, back to the twins.

They are identical. They have always done things together. Soccer, Lacrosse, Band (while one played sax and the other drums), Army national Guard. They both are attending the same college (at this time), taking the same courses, aiming for the same degree. Aiming for the same Med School, possibly different focuses (but only possibly). They are the same in their tastes for success.

Now, tack some wives onto the picture. TOB and I are very, very different people. It's not a bad thing. It's just palpable. We think about things and problem solve in different ways. We want and expect different things out of our lives. It's natural, and there is nothing wrong with that. I love her. She's family.

Now imagine me. Everything that they do smacks me in the face with the self consciousness and, unfortunately for my husband, ability to over think things. If they do it, should we do it too? Do they expect us to do the same so that the boys stay together? Do the boys want to be the same in this? Is what's right for them, right for us sometimes?

I know that I shouldn't worry about these things, and normally I wouldn't. But my husband is a twin. Identical twin. And his brother is his best friend. I want him to be happy.

While all the things I've mentioned about myself above are true, I also tend to hold grudges, I'm stubborn, strong willed, critical of others, motivated, and bossy.

I would love to live my life and not think once about how my life reflects/co insides with another household. No other sibling or sibling-in-law has this kind of hold on my thoughts. Not even and especially not my sister, who I consider the twin of my soul (mushy, I know). To each their own. They have lives to live and decisions to make about their family. how they live their lives and what they do during it isn't any of my concern. I'll voice my opinion about certain things.... But it's not my place to judge the life that they have. I do, but that's the critical side of me. It's hard not to.

The only thing stopping me from that is the trouble I have rationalizing and accepting the role of a wife married to an identical twin. Things aren't going to change. It'll always be 'this ones doing this, whats the other one doing?' and such.

I just don't like it... And therefore I take it out on the ones, I always feel, that are causing me to have these feelings.

I know that I'm doing it to myself.

I guess that's the hardest part.

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